JOKES PAGE

Please keep returning here as I plan to post jokes regularly (Clean ones so don't worry parents). So if you know any good jokes please feel to send them to me and I'll post them here. Yes even the groaners and I'll even say who sent them. Though not short these may give you an idea into the kind of my humour. Newer jokes are at the top.

Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Goldberg, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." so Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knocks on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Goldberg on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Goldberg, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Goldberg and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Goldberg says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed
toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerges with the Pope on on the balcony but by that time Goldberg returns and he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Goldberg asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

A man stood before Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asked him questions to decide his fate, "Have you been a good man, my son?" he asked, "Have you been sober and chaste?

The man replied, "Saint Peter I must confess I was neither sober nor chaste, I spent much time the taverns, I drank far too much wine and was far too fond of the maidens of the town".

At this Saint Peter’s face clouded over and he made black marks in the Great Book. Then asked Saint Peter, "Have you lied and cheated and did you regularly attend church on Sunday?"

"Saint Peter" replied the man "I often lied and cheated and seldom attended church on a Sunday But, this like the drinking was due to the nature of my work".

On hearing the first two answers Saint Peter’s face took on the aspect of thunder and he made further black marks in the Book, but then he looked puzzled and asked "What was the nature of your work that caused you
to lie, drink, cheat and kept you from church on Sunday?".

"Why" said the man "I was a Children's Entertainer"

At this Saint Peter's face broke into a wreath of smiles, he struck through all the black marks and he opened his arms "Come my son" he said, "Enter the Kingdom of Heaven , you have served more than your time in Hell"

Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening
to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have
8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norm's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."

Norm's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says
"We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must
park.........." then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park
on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married
to
Blondes exhibit, Norman says,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

IF A LOTTERY WIN ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE THEIR LIFE, WHY DID THEY GO IN IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

WHY DOGS GO MAD IF YOU BLOW IN THEIR FACE, YET STICK THEIR HEAD OUT OF THE WINDOW WHEN ARE IN THE CAR?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two
cents in
. . .. what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives
a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it
be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older; then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final
exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

"If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it." ~ Jonathan Winters

Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes
by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting,
and says, "Chance!"
The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, The
Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and
asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"
He nods.
She says, "I always thought Indians said `How!' as a greeting."
Indian says, "Already know how, just want chance!"

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead went out for lunch.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit
the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at
the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to
check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into
it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.
But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be
sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for
all eternity!"

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror,
the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us
three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented
of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new
Lexus in her hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the
blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was
promptly sucked into the mirror.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
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The youngest pope was 11 years old.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs - Alexander, the
Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years > later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month? A.
Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their
birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q . Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested? A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day.
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Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most
ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.
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Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party? A.
Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know
today
as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their
own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind
your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used
the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only
Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English
language.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At least 75% of people who
read this will try to lick their elbow.

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young
woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed
her.

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked,
"Was it worth the trouble you're in?"

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness.

So he offered him freedom, as long he could answer a very difficult
question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: 'What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man and to young
Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than
death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's
end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the
prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he
spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept
her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the
Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she
was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like
sewage water, often made obscene noises etc. He had never run across such a
repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a
burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that
nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question: "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her
own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch
spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and
anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her
worst manners on display and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen lay before him!

Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that
since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time
she would be her horrible, deformed self and the other half, she would be
her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question!

Gawain began to think of his predicament- during the day a beautiful woman
to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an
old spooky witch?

Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful
woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read on until you've made your
own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly.

Underneath it all, she's still a witch - and don't you forget it.!

In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for
filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period
for buying a handgun.

It's nice to know the government is giving them
advice on how to work out our problems.

Animal thoughts

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water
bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they
don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh
boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I
already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to
fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must
continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns
ever really give me a cracker? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An
irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, Screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C' and D', but get it
right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

KIDS AND WHY WE LOVE THEM

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five
     minutes later..."Da-ad..."
     "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
     water?" "No, You had your chance. LIGHTS OUT!"
     Five minutes later..."Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?"
     "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I
     told you NO!" If you ask me again, I'll have to spank you!!"
     Five minutes later..."Daaa-aaad..."
     "WHAT!" When you come in to spank me, can you bring
     me a drink of water?"

   _____________________________________________________
     An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
     into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect
     to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said
     "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep
     slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For
     Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!"

   ______________________________________________________

     One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
     mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about
     to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in
     his voice, "Mommy will you sleep with me tonight?" The
     mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't
     dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's
     room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
     little voice: "The big sissy."

   _____________________________________________________

     It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
     for the children's sermon. All the children were
     invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a
     particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the
     pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty
     dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl
     replied, directly to the pastor's clip-on microphone.
     "Yes, and Mom says that it's a bitch to iron."

   ______________________________________________________

     When I was six months pregnant with my third child,
     my three year old came into the room when I was just
     getting ready to get into the shower. She said "Mommy,
     you are getting fat!" I replied.
     "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
     tummy". "I know," she replied "but what's growing in
     your butt?"

   ______________________________________________________